{expiration dates & what next}

just a few minutes when I should be doing something else. I've been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up -- which is to say, when this project ends. I've never had a job with an expiration date. it's very strange.

I'd fallen into the post-MFA mindset of "must get published to get book. must get book to get teaching job. must get teaching job..." because that's what you do. but I'm not so sure it's what I'm supposed to do. I know I'd be good at teaching poetry to college students, but I'm not sure it's the right path.

in a conversation with Marie Howe while I was still in grad school, she mentioned thinking that poets need to do something other than poetry, otherwise what will you write about? it's a danger, the myopia of read poetry teach poetry talk poetry -- focus has it's place, but as Marie said, maybe we should be painters by day. something, anything.

for me, I think that in order to feel necessary to the world (and this is important for my grassroots savior complex heart) I'm going to need to do something other than show college students how to break lines. besides, I'm realizing more and more that there are people who MUST teach -- Roger, GinnaKarla -- who are born to it -- and there are those of us who do teach, and can, but would do something else if we had a million dollars to spare.

I think that poetry IS necessary to the world. that its precise beauty is a nutrient the world's body requires, maybe not so obviously as it needs protein to keep from disintegrating, but the way it needs, say, iron. you don't notice the lack of it immediately, but you start to feel tired, and cold all the time.

which is to say, I don't plan to stop writing. or occasionally teaching for that matter. I'm just not sure that the adjunct professor hope toward tenure track hope toward tenure thing is for me.

which means, time to figure something else to do. I still think that Roger and I could be great motivational speakers at colleges/high schools, and I'm looking into that. and still checking idealist.org to see if I can get back into non-profit... I just feel like this year, this project, had to happen for a reason, and there has to be some way to use it toward something new...

anyway, the ellipses are creeping in, which means I've derailed my train of thought into fragment-town. so enough for now.