{new}

sincerely, Susan.

1: the sketch

Susan says

black man.
plaid shirt.
toboggan-style hat.
about 40.
brown eyes.
average height.
red light, unlocked door, handle, shut up and drive. voice? average.

like that?

some beard, no, not much, some
the cheeks, yes, now I see
meaner
more lips

2: poet thinks she knows

if only you'd been able to imagine him better.
I, for example, could conjure at least
thirty-two men from the one who showed up
on the porch, at dance recitals, in the park
where my friends went to smoke
and mock the freshmen.
showed up like the Playboy
on your uncle's coffeetable,
one minute life's a stroll
on a straight road, Time Magazine,
Popular Mechanics, Steve laughing
on the swingset, Becky showing off
her wrists, then there he is. blue
nubby sweater, next to a tree,
watching. you don't forget the eyes,
don't stumble over the voice, the doorbell,
is your mother home, holding the screendoor closed
between you, lousy scrim, thinking one.
two. three. four. five no, yes, um,
the shower. listen: I have killed him
more times than we ever met, Susan.
you don't forget, Susan, when he takes it all
away from you, you couldn't do it
could you, imagine a monster
like that.

3. Susan's reply

tell me
about monsters. you've got one?
how about a mirror. how about your dad
with a gun between his knees, bad aim but the hole
in his gut kills him anyway, your brother
dangling from a rope before your preschool face
/ or the new father, a lap of dynamite
asking to be licked, I'm alive.
this one, that, point until your fingers fall off.
I miss my kids but I've stopped wanting to die.

4: FBI

characteristics of a homicidal mother

in her twenties
grew up or lived in poverty
under-educated
history of either physical or sexual abuse or both
remained isolated from social supports
depressive and suicidal tendencies
experiencing rejection by a male lover at the time she murdered

inability to define her boundaries as separate from her children
becoming trapped in enmeshment with her children

(Judge allows photographs showing
the brothers discolored and decomposing
/ will not allow several photos showing the full effects
of the nine-day submersion on the boys)

may view child as a mere extension of herself
rather than as a separate being. suicidal inclination
may be transformed into filial homicide

5: sigh

but you made him up. held your babies' heads
underwater nine days, blaming all the black men
in Union. but what do I know. thirties, over-educated,
grew up in relative comfort

but I've seen the photos. their little arms, legs, cloth
sloughing from skin decaying from bone / they wore
no shoes

where did they think they were going, Susan? how
could you send them alone?

6. that night

so sad. I've never felt
so alone. the road just
kept going, bridge, stopsign, go,

they were fussy
(one diver reports a small hand
against a window)

they were all going to leave me, it was all
going wrong. can't you see
I couldn't leave them

7:

lots of people live in hideous boxes, no light,
not even a tunnel

one friend says, I can't have kids because then
I won't be able to kill myself

a 1995 study by the National Center for Missing
and Exploited Children
reports that mothers who murder their children
dispose of the bodies
in a distinctively womb-like manner,
some in water, some meticulously wrapped
in plastic

did you watch the car go down?

8:

the softest sound, a sucking, the water
puckering like a mouth, Mazda red
as a nipple I guess

someone called the emergency brake
a gun I pulled. I was in that car,
I tell you. in the backseat,
kissing them goodnight.

postscript: personal ad

I am 31 years old. I am looking to meet new people, and, hopefully, become friends. I enjoy reading, working puzzles, and writing. I love rainbows, Mickey Mouse, the beach, the mountains, and waterfalls. My favorite color is navy blue and my favorite flower is the daisy. I am a Christian and I enjoy attending church. I consider myself to be sensitive, caring, and kind-hearted. I'm currently serving a life sentence on the charge of murder. I have grown and matured alot since my incarceration, but I will always hurt for the pain I've caused so many, especially my children. I hope to receive letters from those who are not judgmental, and who are sincere. I look forward to hearing from new people and, hopefully, finding new friends. May God bless each one of you!

Please write me at:
Susan Smith #221487
Leath Corr. Inst.
2809 Airport Rd.
Greenwood SC 29649



***

notes:

Based on information from news reports and crimelibrary.com, “Susan Smith: Child Murderer or Victim?”

Post-script is nearly the full text from a personal ad Susan Smith placed in 2002, eight years after confessing to having drowned her two children.(www.smokinggun.com/archive/susansmithad1.html)